It’s a pain, in my chest, in my throat, I can’t explain it, words can’t describe it. I can’t cry. Tears won’t come out. It’s much more painful than that. They say endings are just new beginnings, but this is the end of the end. The point of no return. The knowledge that I will never, in this life, see his face again, feel him close again. And the way his kisses felt seems to vanish. I can’t remember some things, and that’s what hurts most. He’s fading, all the memories, slowly going away and haunting me at the same time. Leaving but staying. How I wish with all my soul he was here, with all of me, that he was here. But he simply is not, and will never come back. How I wish with all my being he was back. And knowing he’s not and he won’t kills me.
It’s amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you.
“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.”—Ernest Hemingway, (Midnight In Paris)
“Human memories are too vague. Thinking something has color when it doesn’t, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things. It gives new greater meaning than what was actually there. That’s why I don’t believe any of this talk about beautiful memories.”—Obata Yuuki (via thefujoshi)
All these words I’ve written, all these crap about love, and letting someone in, and falling head over feet… it’s all a lie. Maybe that’s why I write about it, because I like the stories, I like them on a piece of paper, but I’m too scared to go out and give myself a real chance to fall in love again.
“I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.”—(via m-inou)
I’ve come to find that EVERYONE falls in love. You can fall in love with your child, maybe with your job, you can fall in love with life, with your projects, you can fall in love with your passion, you can fall in love with art, you can fall in love with nature, you can fall in love with traveling, with the world. And maybe, if you’re lucky enough, you can fall in love with someone who’s willing to catch you, with someone worth falling for.
Fall in LOVE with whatever or whoever makes you HAPPY.
I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.
Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.
I swore to myself that she was the last person I’d let in my heart that way. That I wouldn’t let anyone make me feel that way, and if I ever felt that I was even a tiny bit close to falling for someone I would get up and leave without having second thoughts. Since she left, I promised myself that no one would ever make me feel the unbearable pain I felt when I couldn’t be with her anymore. That feeling that my life was crashing down, that the world had no color anymore, that the walls of my room crushed me, that feeling in my stomach, I could have sworn I was sick or something because my body hurt, that feeling of emptiness and desperation, of disbelief because nothing made sense without her… I promised I was never gonna let that happen anymore, that I would be strong enough to know when to walk away… that I would think with my head and never again with my heart… but I was too weak, or maybe too drawn to her, I kept going back, I knew I was falling, but just when I said to myself: it’s time to go, she entered the room, her hair moving with the wind rhythmically, walking towards me, and just when she was two inches away she touched my face and kissed me softly, she put our favorite song and I knew, I knew that no matter what I had ever decided, I couldn’t go now, I was already in too deep, I was already head over feet over her, out of my head, crazy stupidly in love. And it was all perfect and beautiful… until she left… just like everything, it always ends…
“I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then, but I think I have known it pretty often, too often.”—Charles Bukowski (via lavandula)
Baby this fever has got me hallucinating, I swear I saw you by my side but I looked again and it was empty. Baby make me ill, invade me. Your ghost has been on my passenger seat way too long. But please don’t disappear… you’ve made me crazy, but I love this kind of crazy. Baby your face is on the mirror giving me kisses on my back but you’re not really there. Oh I don’t care if you’re the past, I don’t care if you’re a ghost… if you don’t exist, I’ll invent you, your silhouette and the way it fit perfectly with mine. Make me drunk with your kisses, drug me, take me. Maybe I’m going mad but it’s all so unreal and real at the same time. I miss you, every inch of your body, every line of your smile, every wrinkle in your eyes, everything… baby this fever has got me hallucinating… hallucinating with every part of you.
He stared at me and said: you’re not talking to me because you’re here with someone else. i got up my chair and went outside to have a smoke. It was true I think. Yes, it was very true. My legs started shaking a bit but I stood up to him and I didn’t let him kill me again. But you never get out of his hands alive, out of his sight alive. He hated the idea of me going on dates or being with someone else, I guess I was always like a lifeless soul-less pale doll he had to own, to leave me to rot in his room but always in his room. I guess some things are never really over. I guess some people have a certain chemistry that just sparks and no matter where you go it holds you by your wrist and pushes you towards that person. It wasn’t him, it wasn’t me either, it was the universe working its magic. But the magic in my heart is gone, dead. The sparks we had are burned out. We didn’t spend the night together that night, and any other night since. We will probably never cross paths again. I refuse to be some toy, some figment, some object you desire to have with you always even though you never even look at it. He stared at me in the distance and I walked away forever.
He walks in the door and he tells me that he’s in love with someone else. I don’t ask whom, because I know, and I can’t say that I blame him. She’s beautiful, and passionate, and a hell of a lot nicer than I am. I say, okay, and he crawls into bed with me and we go to sleep.
Thinking about the messes we make and people who clean after us, the messes we clean for others and the messes we leave behind to rot
Thinking about the ghosts who haunt us at night, picking at us, robbing us of our sleep, reminding us of every mistake, every regret, every monster we have in us
Thinking of lost loves and why we let them die in the first place, why we lost sight of them somewhere along the way, letting them us escape right through our fingers
Thinking of solitude and loneliness, of the sinking feeling we get when the whole world turns black and empty and you realize that you’re utterly alone, and when you look at the mirror you have no escape from who you are, this is what you’ve become
Thinking of the pictures we took and the smiles she gave me and the tear stains she left on my heart when I realized she was gone
Thinking of u-turns and sidewalks, and people who walk and walk with no direction at all
Thinking of poets and garbage and beauty and rotten spaces and art and ugliness and the thin line between them all
Thinking of secrets we never tell a soul, not even our shadow, secrets who we will take solemnly to our graves, of words we will never let out, words that will die the moment our lives end
Thinking of paths and how lost I got along the way and how hard it is to find the path I want to walk in…
Most people love us once they get to know us , it takes time and effort but they finally love us. But some people, and this is rare, love us before they knew us and after they know our darkest thoughts and ugly secrets, they still love us, even if they have no reason to, they just do, and they will love us forever, no matter what. I should be so lucky…
“As the electric went out, and the covers opened up; the candles wouldn’t light, but it’s not like we tried. Our hearts beat and our minds raced; the sound of Music turned into the sound of warm breath and the feel of fingers. We traced our bodies and kissed our lips. We fell to pieces with no intentions of being put back together.”
Life really isn’t as defined as people think it is… I mean all of these rules and expectations that most people feel they have to abide by are all created out of thin air. Of course it takes effort to nourish our lives, but life doesn’t always have to be so serious all the time. It’s here for us to enjoy and to experience and to learn and to be happy!
Maybe my thoughts are writing themselves away as I run out of ways of explaining the unexplainable. Maybe I’m just tired of the same chain, of the circles I keep walking around on. The same old circles that always bring me back to the same place, the same bed. And I keep trying to revive old ghosts only to find out they are more more dead every time I come around. I ran out of excuses and lies to tell myself. I ran out of things to give her cause I had given her everything. Even the last drops of love I had so religiously tried to save ended up spilled on the bedroom door. All gone. And what was left was something so huge and vast , so sinked and dark… something called truth.
I know every detail, every line, every contour of your face. I know the way your hair sits just so, and the way it sticks up in every direction, the way your eyes are tired and bleary when you wake. I know your long, skinny legs and the way the tapping of your foot keeps time when you play guitar….
Some wars are meant to be fought alone while there are those, you shall not, on your own- like fighting for love, for an example, because dear, if you are, even before you mounted the saddle you have already lost the war.